“so i sleep in my clothes, just in case i feel the flames touch my face, i can make my escape with grace”
i was having a conversation with a good friend of mine the other night that eventually got onto the topic of sunscreen. this then led to a comment from, something along the lines “well, i’ll probably be dead by the time i’m 40 anyway” (or maybe it was 30?). her response was “i hate that. i hate when other people say that, i hate when [he] says that, i hate when you say that” (not that i have a habit of saying it). i understand where she’s coming from, she’s know a lot of self-destructive nihilistic punks, street populations, etc.
i feel my comment was coming from a different place than many of those nihilistic companions of hers though. and i’m not saying this makes my comment any better, or worse, or more legitimate ~ i really have no point to these words other than to express some thoughts that were in my head.
i half expect/half hope to die early, though i imagine if i come anywhere close to death at a young age i will quickly change my thinking and realize how precious life is because i’ll feel i have so much to still do, and that’s fine, but for now, these are the feelings in which i am comfortable in. one of my best friend’s dad died very suddenly when we only 18. it was completely unexpected and an utter shock. this developed in him, at least as far as i understand, an expectance that he would likely die early, not for any particular reason, but because there are so many random accidents in this world. there are so many things you cannot predict and often, those unexpected accidents can be deadly. some would find these thoughts horribly depressing, others would see them as a reason to live every day to it’s fullest and not hold back. i’ve somewhat adopted this expectation, though not as fully, because his experience is not my experience, and my experience with death is far different. expecting to die early has nothing to do with being a nihilistic street punk who uses heroin laced with shoe polish and strychnine though.
hoping to die early…that was probably a poor choice of words. life scares me. the mere fact that i will probably live another 15 years terrifies me, let alone another 30 or 50 or more years. i can’t imagine having to live that long, to have to witness how increasingly disgusting this world and humanity become during that time, particularly since it is my belief that it will happen at an exponential rate. as well, it means i will have to continue to watch my body slowly decay and fall apart which is easily my greatest fear. i would like to die quickly and swiftly, in good health, as opposed to letting myself rot for 10-20 years as my muscles become sore, my internal organs stop functioning properly and some sort of cancer slowly eats away at my insides while i try to kill it by poisoning it, as well as myself. i have witnessed the slow decay of death, i greatly wish to never experience it. and it frightens me even more because i have felt my body greatly decay over the last 5 years. i expected my body to be much, much stronger at 23 than it is.
