not where i belong
it’s breaking my heart over and over to not be in santa cruz, to not be the one place where i feel connected to a community. somewhere small enough and big enough at the same time where i feel change can be accomplished, even though nothing will ever truly change there, at least i feel i can do something. SOS is my heart, at least part of it, and i miss my heart. or maybe this is all just dreaming, all just placing hope into something i can’t have, somewhere i can’t be, because that is easier than fixing what i have. i’m guilty of spending far too much time appreciating the greener grass on the other side. i am somewhere i never wanted to be. it’s not terrible, and probably wouldn’t be half as bad if it wasn’t for the psychological issues in my life, but it’s not where i wanted to be, and it’s somewhere i never wanted to be. here i go wishing for more again, wishing for something else rather than appreciating what i have. selfish, over and over again. who ever really gets what they want and what right do i have to deserve anything anyway. selfish or not, i know this isn’t where i belong, but it’s where i am. i hope the future holds brighter, i hope some things work out for me. and i hope i find an appropriate truce with what i have no, but nothing will change the fact that right now i know i should be somewhere else…or maybe i’m just trying to wish away all my problems, as usual i’m a pre-programmed machine stuck in repetitive cyclical behavior, a self-perpetuating over drafting virus…no, no. i’m just another human, no different than the rest and pretty words won’t change that
