pain.

Posted in Uncategorized on July 16, 2010 by sae

i shouldn’t even be posting this, but i need to cry out somewhere that has the chance of being heard, even though it won’t be.

i am too much physical pain to accomplish anything i want to.  i can’t do any of the art projects i want to do.  i can’t zip music files and send them to friends, or hold up a conversation online.  i can’t play musical instruments.  i can’t really do anything if it involves my hands.  the mental anguish that results from this physical pain is one of the most excruciating things ever.  too much pain, i have to stop..

tfh #03

Posted in diy on June 16, 2010 by sae

tfh #03 was completed today.  first musical release.  edition of 50. some copies already have preordained owners.  the rest are first come first serve.  the download code is up for grabs for anyone wants it though and doesn’t get a copy, just ask.

tfh #02 (part deux) + tfh #03

Posted in diy on June 7, 2010 by sae

thanks to a really nice photocopier, i’ve managed to make a very nice copy of tfh #02 that will yield a small number of “copied versions” of it for a few select people.

the spark has been reignited for tfh #03 which will be tfh productions first audio release.  initially it was going to be a cassette tape with a download code, but that idea was scraped for various reasons (none having to due with the fact the producing a cassette would be useless tho).  it now appears it will be released as a drawing with a download code attached.

as well, i have an idea for tfh #04, but i make no guarantees that it will see fruition.

not where i belong

Posted in Uncategorized on May 19, 2010 by sae

it’s breaking my heart over and over to not be in santa cruz, to not be the one place where i feel connected to a community.  somewhere small enough and big enough at the same time where i feel change can be accomplished, even though nothing will ever truly change there, at least i feel i can do something.  SOS is my heart, at least part of it, and i miss my heart.  or maybe this is all just dreaming, all just placing hope into something i can’t have, somewhere i can’t be, because that is easier than fixing what i have.  i’m guilty of spending far too much time appreciating the greener grass on the other side.  i am somewhere i never wanted to be.  it’s not terrible, and probably wouldn’t be half as bad if it wasn’t for the psychological issues in my life, but it’s not where i wanted to be, and it’s somewhere i never wanted to be.  here i go wishing for more again, wishing for something else rather than appreciating what i have.  selfish, over and over again.  who ever really gets what they want and what right do i have to deserve anything anyway.  selfish or not, i know this isn’t where i belong, but it’s where i am.  i hope the future holds brighter, i hope some things work out for me.  and i hope i find an appropriate truce with what i have no, but nothing will change the fact that right now i know i should be somewhere else…or maybe i’m just trying to wish away all my problems, as usual i’m a pre-programmed machine stuck in repetitive cyclical behavior, a self-perpetuating over drafting virus…no, no.  i’m just another human, no different than the rest and pretty words won’t change that

2

Posted in Uncategorized on May 10, 2010 by sae

…i know i say this for purely selfish reasons, but i wish you were still here to make this process easier…

“we are your children- never learned to build…we just break”

Posted in Uncategorized on May 7, 2010 by sae

the physical pain get’s worse every day…and soon i fear, the periods of pain will start to overwhelm the periods of time when it doesn’t hurt.  it’s blocking me from doing nearly everything i love.  i’ve already had to give up a lot, and the few things that remain…i’ll lose them soon too…and then…well, then i don’t know what i’ll do…

“so i sleep in my clothes, just in case i feel the flames touch my face, i can make my escape with grace”

Posted in Uncategorized on April 20, 2010 by sae

i was having a conversation with a good friend of mine the other night that eventually got onto the topic of sunscreen.  this then led to a comment from, something along the lines “well, i’ll probably be dead by the time i’m 40 anyway” (or maybe it was 30?).  her response was “i hate that. i hate when other people say that, i hate when [he] says that, i hate when you say that” (not that i have a habit of saying it).  i understand where she’s coming from, she’s know a lot of self-destructive nihilistic punks, street populations, etc.

i feel my comment was coming from a different place than many of those nihilistic companions of hers though.  and i’m not saying this makes my comment any better, or worse, or more legitimate ~ i really have no point to these words other than to express some thoughts that were in my head.

i half expect/half hope to die early, though i imagine if i come anywhere close to death at a young age i will quickly change my thinking and realize how precious life is because i’ll feel i have so much to still do, and that’s fine, but for now, these are the feelings in which i am comfortable in.  one of my best friend’s dad died very suddenly when we only 18.  it was completely unexpected and an utter shock.  this developed in him, at least as far as i understand, an expectance that he would likely die early, not for any particular reason, but because there are so many random accidents in this world.  there are so many things you cannot predict and often, those unexpected accidents can be deadly.  some would find these thoughts horribly depressing, others would see them as a reason to live every day to it’s fullest and not hold back.  i’ve somewhat adopted this expectation, though not as fully, because his experience is not my experience, and my experience with death is far different.  expecting to die early has nothing to do with being a nihilistic street punk who uses heroin laced with shoe polish and strychnine though.

hoping to die early…that was probably a poor choice of words.  life scares me.  the mere fact that i will probably live another 15 years terrifies me, let alone another 30 or 50 or more years.  i can’t imagine having to live that long, to have to witness how increasingly disgusting this world and humanity become during that time, particularly since it is my belief that it will happen at an exponential rate.  as well, it means i will have to continue to watch my body slowly decay and fall apart which is easily my greatest fear.  i would like to die quickly and swiftly, in good health, as opposed to letting myself rot for 10-20 years as my muscles become sore, my internal organs stop functioning properly and some sort of cancer slowly eats away at my insides while i try to kill it by poisoning it, as well as myself.  i have witnessed the slow decay of death, i greatly wish to never experience it.  and it frightens me even more because i have felt my body greatly decay over the last 5 years.  i expected my body to be much, much stronger at 23 than it is.